Just a little bit...

The title of the entry is the name for a song that I really identify. It´s by Maria Mena and I´ve always felt like the girl in the song. I always feel like I need to be a little bit more of everything to be the perfect girl. In my mind, I think of myself as worthless and a waste of space. And probably the 85 percent of the time, I am. But I am always struggling to change that and to feel a worthy person.

There are so many factors that contribute to the problem. That I am not comfortable with my body and the way it is right now. The fact that I feel I am disappointing my parents in many aspects. And that I always feel like failing in school, at home and in life. And I really don´t know how to put myself out from this "vortex" that is called life.

Reality sucks and being an adult is not as fun as I imagined as a kid. Sometimes I wish I could just go back to that time where all that matter was my babies and how they were clothed. To that time were my parents where perfect and they didn´t have problems. To the time when my sister didn´t knew what pain was. But most of all, I want to go back to the time when I felt beautiful, confident and proud of the person I was. I am not that person anymore and I just want to be like that again so badly.

Just A Little Bit - Maria Mena lyrics:

Clearly, clearly I remember
Hiking up my skirt
Asking for your time

Clearly, clearly I remember
Nervous if ever confronted
And questioning myself

Perhaps, perhaps if I got better
Perhaps if I challenged myself
Perhaps if I was

Just a little bit stronger
Just a little bit wiser
Just a little less needy
Maybe I'd get there

Clearly, clearly I remember
Pulling up my skirt
Staring blank ahead

Clearly, clearly I remember
Days of useless crying
Almost feeling dead

Perhaps, perhaps if I was smaller
Perhaps, I could control myself
Perhaps if I was