My Way to a Healthy Journey!

I've struggled for the most part of my life with food and fitness. To be honest, most of my teenage years where spent rebelling from gyms and working out. And my relationship with food is a love/hate one, which is no good for my mental health or my body in general. I never had trouble with food when I was little, I really didn't, but I always compared myself with the ones who surround me and let's be real, they always were better. Fast forward to fourth grade when my first real problem appeared. That year I failed math class and it ended with me changing school, leaving my friends and just having to change my life altogether. Keep in mind that I was a really shy girl and it was really hard to make new friends, so I wasn't good when it came to changing environments. So my way of dealing with all this changes was food. Sadly, I started what we now called "emotionally eating". And I got fat. No, really, I got really fat and at first it wasn't a problem. I was fine with it, I loved eating fast food everyday or every other day, and I thought that was all I needed it.

Then I had to change school was once again. I was starting high school and it was in a new school, with people who had money and who based your worth based on how much money you had and what clothes you wear. It was awful but I knew that it was the best choice for my future and I agreed with my parents. Freshman year was terrible. I hated every moment and second of that year. But then in sophomore year I found a group of friends where I actually fitted in. And it was an ok year until the end. I remember that day so clear like it was yesterday, and I know it's a cliche saying that, but it feels that way. It was the last day, classes were finally over, we were all down by the lockers celebrating and all that stuff. I was with my friends and I we were talking about boys and things like that, like any other normal teenager girl. That's when *Craig* overheard our conversation and decided to speak his mind, which is an awful place by the way. He waited until I was alone and then he told me the this: "You shouldn't be talking about boys and love. You know, a hippo like you do not deserve love. You are not worthy of love." And that little sentence changed my entire life.

During vacation, my parents sent me to Canada. It was like an exchange student but the difference is that I knew the family before and they were amazing. But I took that chance to lose some weight. And I did. But I also learned how to restrict my meals (and calories), to eat smaller portions, to eat less, to starve myself. I came back with a noticeable weight loss and different habits. In the next few months I starved myself until I weighed 95 pounds. That's when my parents finally took the charge and I started getting help. 95 pounds. That's so unhealthy for you, for anyone, but i still did it because that voice in my head told me it would make me beautiful and skinny like all the other girls.

Fast forward three years later, and now I can finally tell you that I am in a healthy path. I am eating healthy foods, I am attending the gym regurlaly and enjoying it, I have healthy relationships with the people who surrounds me and I have learned to only keep the positive things. I let go all my negative, unhealthy relationships and although they were my "friends" at some point, I realized that at the end they didn't had my back.

Today I have one best friend and she is amazing. I know that she will be there for me no matter what and I will be there for her too. We are in this for the long way. And I am super glad. My family is amazing, loving, caring, fun. Everything I could've asked for, really. I finally know what I want to do with my life and how to achieve it. I'm starting to study this new career and life is good.

.....

I don't know why I feel this way? I mean everything I ever wanted is becoming a reality, besides there isn't a real, concrete explanation or reason for me to feel bad. But, somehow, I feel sadder than I've ever been in a while. I AM A FAILURE. A FUCKING FAT, OBESE, DISGUSTING FAILURE.

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Anxiety has pushed me to my limit this time and I have to say that I've never actually acknowledged when I am having a panic attack before and today, oh boy, today I found out. For the love of roses, my therapist told that I had experienced panic attacks before but I just didn't realize what they were at the moment. After my last session, I was able to seize all the attacks and I truly thought they were gone. But my anxiety never went away completely and after being a year and a half in college, studying something I was miserable at but being afraid to speak, my anxiety just grew into proportions that I am not able to manage. And today was the day I had a panic attack, realized what it was and freaked out a little bit more because I knew what was happening and couldn't stop it. God, anxiety is HORRIBLE. I now I'm not alone, though. I know my family will support me and love me until the end of our lives. But, besides them, I found out today that I have an amazing friend, one who truly cares about me and my well being and I've never had a friend like her before. I realized today what a best friend means and I am super glad that I found Jackie. I really am

Sharing is Living

Today I watched a video that touched me like no other video has done. It was simple but the message was so powerful that changes our perspective towards life. We get so attached to all this material things, aspirations and success like there is nothing more important in this world than that. But what about laughter, love, friendship, kindness, forgiveness and so many other that provide us with a better life with more significance. From time to time we need to stop and look around ourselves, and be grateful for everything we already have, to be thankful that we are healthy, loved and cared. No matter our career goals or material goals, we need to create personal growth goals. Ones that will make us better and happier. It's as simple as helping someone in need or carrying someones bags. No matter how little and simple it may be, it still be a step forward to something better.

Since I was a little i knew that I was destined to something bigger and better than what I can imagine. And I 'm not bragging or something like that, it's just I always wanted to reach greatness. Five year old me thought I would find it in work or relationships, but twenty year old me thinks that the greatness I am looking is found in the simple details every day brings. A laughter, a dance, a conversation with a friend, a hug from a loved one, a kiss and so on. Happiness is the greatness I am truly looking for, and even though I am still working to obtain it, I live my day one day a time because you never know when will be the last.

Anxiety is Killing Me

I feel like I am trapped in a room without doors. There only walls within walls without an exit and I am getting so anxious about it. Stress is beginning to be the only thing I feel these days. Have you ever felt like you are just destined to be a failure? Because that’s how i feel right now. I can’t see a future for my life in any way, like I will always be this big disappointment who can’t do nothing right.

I feel useless, like I’m just wandering around in this world without a true purpose to be living. And there is nothing wrong with wandering around for a while, I guess that’s how you learned and experience most of the best thing life offers but at the same time, if you aren’t careful, you can end up wandering for your entire life. I’m not sure I want to be that person. 

I just really hope that everything that is overwhelming me right disappears as my life starts to take the right direction because I am sacred, no actually terrified of taking the wrong direction.

*Sigh*

It feels so awkward…I feel so awkward. Really it does feel like that because I am an intern who doesn´t know how to move herself inside the offices. And it´s not like I haven´t been welcomed because I have, but still I can´t feel comfortable, even after a few days now. This are the times when I curse my social anxiety for making me conscious of everything that people can see and think about me. I can not move or speak without thinking that people are talking something about me or thinking all this nasty stuff. I really can´t do anything before I remind myself like a hundred times that it´s all in my head, even though 99.9% of the time it doesn´t works. This is killing me, destroying my life by suctioning every single particle of happiness from me. The worst thing is that I was really excited about this internship and I really wanted to be successful at it. But instead I am feeling like a total failure that got this job through connections, not because of my work. Sometimes I am just so stupid.

(Sigh) I just had a really bad day and I´m sorry for ranting it to you guys, but thank you for reading and supporting me.

Remember to always love yourself first! <3

The Infinite War

I know that I mostly write in english and I will continue to do so but in this following article what I would share will be a little bit different. It will be in spanish and it is my story, based in my experiences and if you want to translate this story you can. I just hope you enjoy and understand how bad and terrible eating disorders can be, the damage they will bring and the consequences for you and your loved ones.



Anorexia Nervosa es una enfermedad crónica que produce restricciones en la alimentación de una persona en donde las razones más frecuentes detrás de su desarrollo pueden una predisposición genética y una combinación de factores ambientales, culturales y sociales. Las personas que sufren de este trastorno realizan dietas restrictivas y ejercicio en exceso, además de utilizar mecanismos de restricción para controlar una área especifica en su vida.

Un día con Fariis

Mis días consisten en guerras imposibles de ganar entre mi persona y las voces adentro de mi. Cuando sale el sol, en mi cabeza se hace de noche y así comienza la batalla infinita que me deja exhausta. Es una rutina que no puedo corromper porque si lo llego hacer, mi mundo colapsaría. Quiero que mis papas se sientan orgullosos de mi, donde mis amigos no se sientan avergonzados y las personas no se sientan disgustadas al verme.

Me levanto a las 5 de la mañana sin importar que día es y lo primero que realizo son mis ejercicios que consisten en varias sentadillas, abdominales, lagartijas y saltar en la cuerda. Luego tomo una taza de café, subo las escaleras y voy al baño para perder todo el liquido que resta en mi cuerpo. Ya en mi cuarto me paro enfrente de la pesa en donde me toma unos minutos tomar la valentía para poder subir. Luego me baño y siempre lo hago con agua fría porque quema más calorías y además es mi castigo por ser tan obesa. Me visto con una playera negra larga, leggins negros, botas y mi sudadero.

Cuando ya estoy lista, me sirvo otra taza de café y como una manzana para poder manejar sin ningún percance. Mi única regla cuando me subo a mi carro es si no he comido nada no puedo manejar para evitar un accidente vial. Cuando llego al paqueo de la universidad comienza la frustración y ansiedad que me consumen y me dejan sin aire hasta que entro a clases y me obligo a olvidar esos pensamientos que nunca se van en realidad. Todo mi tiempo en la universidad se llena de los siguientes pensamientos: “¿cómo quepo en mi escritorio si soy tan gorda?”, “¿qué sentirán mis compañeros al tener a una compañera tan gorda?”, “¿les daré asco, pena o tristeza?”.

Al regresar a mi casa mi mamá me esta esperando con una gran sonrisa en su boca pero preocupación y temor en sus ojos, siempre me recibe con un gran abrazo. Me ofrece algo de comer y miento al decirle que no tengo hambre y que comí algo en la universidad con mis amigas. La ayudo a hacer el almuerzo, a limpiar los platos sucios y a poner la mesa para que este todo listo a la hora del almuerzo. Al terminar es hora de ir a traer a mi hermana al colegio y siempre la acompaño para no quedarme sola en la casa rodeada de tanta comida.

Almorzamos y se que no como lo suficiente cuando miro en los ojos tristes y preocupados de mi mama y mi hermana. Mi hermana es mi vida, haría lo imposible para verla feliz y me desgarra ver como sufre por mis problemas. Soy una egoísta que ni siquiera puede parar para ver a su familia feliz y despreocupada otra vez. Llega la noche y mi papa regresa del trabajo cansado y cuando bajo a saludarlo comienza la pelea diaria que termina con mi papa enojado y yo en mi cuarto sola. Creo haber escuchado a mi papa llorar en algunas ocasiones pidiéndole a Dios que no me llevara al cielo. Esto tiene que terminar pero no se como pararlo, es un monstruo dentro de mi que crece y se alimenta con mi vida.

Los trastornos alimenticios no son un estilo de vida. Al año se mueren más personas que sufren de estos trastornos que de cáncer. Si conoces a alguien que padezca de un desorden alimenticio lo puedes ayudar buscando ayuda profesional, tener paciencia y no atacarlos sino aconsejarlos.



Remember to always love yourself first! <3

Just a little bit...

The title of the entry is the name for a song that I really identify. It´s by Maria Mena and I´ve always felt like the girl in the song. I always feel like I need to be a little bit more of everything to be the perfect girl. In my mind, I think of myself as worthless and a waste of space. And probably the 85 percent of the time, I am. But I am always struggling to change that and to feel a worthy person.

There are so many factors that contribute to the problem. That I am not comfortable with my body and the way it is right now. The fact that I feel I am disappointing my parents in many aspects. And that I always feel like failing in school, at home and in life. And I really don´t know how to put myself out from this "vortex" that is called life.

Reality sucks and being an adult is not as fun as I imagined as a kid. Sometimes I wish I could just go back to that time where all that matter was my babies and how they were clothed. To that time were my parents where perfect and they didn´t have problems. To the time when my sister didn´t knew what pain was. But most of all, I want to go back to the time when I felt beautiful, confident and proud of the person I was. I am not that person anymore and I just want to be like that again so badly.

Just A Little Bit - Maria Mena lyrics:

Clearly, clearly I remember
Hiking up my skirt
Asking for your time

Clearly, clearly I remember
Nervous if ever confronted
And questioning myself

Perhaps, perhaps if I got better
Perhaps if I challenged myself
Perhaps if I was

Just a little bit stronger
Just a little bit wiser
Just a little less needy
Maybe I'd get there

Clearly, clearly I remember
Pulling up my skirt
Staring blank ahead

Clearly, clearly I remember
Days of useless crying
Almost feeling dead

Perhaps, perhaps if I was smaller
Perhaps, I could control myself
Perhaps if I was

Life works in mysterious ways

After a rocky week, I have finally come to rest. It was the biggest decision I have ever made until this day. I don´t know how people do these things, you know, take decisions that impacts their lives. I had to choose how my future would be and I just hope that I chose well.

So in the end I chose to stay at my current university. i hate my university I everything it stands. It´s hypocrite and two faced. But it´s the only university in my country that offers the career in journalism and I wouldn´t have it any other way. My biggest dream is to become a fashion journalist and for now, this is the only road that would lead me that way.

So I guess I can endure some years of pain and frustration before I get to the good and exiting part of my life. I don´t want the easy way and I want challenges before I reach my ultimate goal. That´s just the way it is.

Rejection

I've always feared rejection. All my life has been a roller coaster of emotions, disappointments and fears. I have lost so many opportunities, friends and possibilities because of my fear of rejection. The worst thing of this situation is that for the biggest part of my life I was clueless of this fear. I mean I knew something was going on, but I didn't know what it was.

I have been wondering why nothing ever happened to me and why opportunities slipped away from my hands. And now I know that I was the problem The fear was my problem. The only obstacle in front of me and stopping me was, actually, me.

And now, thankfully, I have the opportunity to conquer my fear of being rejected and for the first time in my life, to actually enjoy my life. I am finally able to destroy my fear and finally start living my life like it should've been for a long time now. And to finally be free and conquer anything I want. I won't lose any more opportunities and possibilities in my life.

From now on I will start living my life!