My Way to a Healthy Journey!

I've struggled for the most part of my life with food and fitness. To be honest, most of my teenage years where spent rebelling from gyms and working out. And my relationship with food is a love/hate one, which is no good for my mental health or my body in general. I never had trouble with food when I was little, I really didn't, but I always compared myself with the ones who surround me and let's be real, they always were better. Fast forward to fourth grade when my first real problem appeared. That year I failed math class and it ended with me changing school, leaving my friends and just having to change my life altogether. Keep in mind that I was a really shy girl and it was really hard to make new friends, so I wasn't good when it came to changing environments. So my way of dealing with all this changes was food. Sadly, I started what we now called "emotionally eating". And I got fat. No, really, I got really fat and at first it wasn't a problem. I was fine with it, I loved eating fast food everyday or every other day, and I thought that was all I needed it.

Then I had to change school was once again. I was starting high school and it was in a new school, with people who had money and who based your worth based on how much money you had and what clothes you wear. It was awful but I knew that it was the best choice for my future and I agreed with my parents. Freshman year was terrible. I hated every moment and second of that year. But then in sophomore year I found a group of friends where I actually fitted in. And it was an ok year until the end. I remember that day so clear like it was yesterday, and I know it's a cliche saying that, but it feels that way. It was the last day, classes were finally over, we were all down by the lockers celebrating and all that stuff. I was with my friends and I we were talking about boys and things like that, like any other normal teenager girl. That's when *Craig* overheard our conversation and decided to speak his mind, which is an awful place by the way. He waited until I was alone and then he told me the this: "You shouldn't be talking about boys and love. You know, a hippo like you do not deserve love. You are not worthy of love." And that little sentence changed my entire life.

During vacation, my parents sent me to Canada. It was like an exchange student but the difference is that I knew the family before and they were amazing. But I took that chance to lose some weight. And I did. But I also learned how to restrict my meals (and calories), to eat smaller portions, to eat less, to starve myself. I came back with a noticeable weight loss and different habits. In the next few months I starved myself until I weighed 95 pounds. That's when my parents finally took the charge and I started getting help. 95 pounds. That's so unhealthy for you, for anyone, but i still did it because that voice in my head told me it would make me beautiful and skinny like all the other girls.

Fast forward three years later, and now I can finally tell you that I am in a healthy path. I am eating healthy foods, I am attending the gym regurlaly and enjoying it, I have healthy relationships with the people who surrounds me and I have learned to only keep the positive things. I let go all my negative, unhealthy relationships and although they were my "friends" at some point, I realized that at the end they didn't had my back.

Today I have one best friend and she is amazing. I know that she will be there for me no matter what and I will be there for her too. We are in this for the long way. And I am super glad. My family is amazing, loving, caring, fun. Everything I could've asked for, really. I finally know what I want to do with my life and how to achieve it. I'm starting to study this new career and life is good.

.....

I don't know why I feel this way? I mean everything I ever wanted is becoming a reality, besides there isn't a real, concrete explanation or reason for me to feel bad. But, somehow, I feel sadder than I've ever been in a while. I AM A FAILURE. A FUCKING FAT, OBESE, DISGUSTING FAILURE.

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Anxiety has pushed me to my limit this time and I have to say that I've never actually acknowledged when I am having a panic attack before and today, oh boy, today I found out. For the love of roses, my therapist told that I had experienced panic attacks before but I just didn't realize what they were at the moment. After my last session, I was able to seize all the attacks and I truly thought they were gone. But my anxiety never went away completely and after being a year and a half in college, studying something I was miserable at but being afraid to speak, my anxiety just grew into proportions that I am not able to manage. And today was the day I had a panic attack, realized what it was and freaked out a little bit more because I knew what was happening and couldn't stop it. God, anxiety is HORRIBLE. I now I'm not alone, though. I know my family will support me and love me until the end of our lives. But, besides them, I found out today that I have an amazing friend, one who truly cares about me and my well being and I've never had a friend like her before. I realized today what a best friend means and I am super glad that I found Jackie. I really am