I don't know how to feel

I don't know how to feel.

Maybe i feel like his because I identify myself with the situation, I've been there, done that. Or maybe it's because I'm angry with society and the misconception with mental health.

It was a bad day...yesterday. I was angry with myself for not standing up. For letting people step over me and trash me down. I know that I'm really quiet and I tend to keep it all to myself, but that doesn't mean you can punch me and expect me to keep quiet. Yes, I suffer from anxiety which means that what normal people would do without thinking, I would do it hours later, after overthinking and analyzing everything three to six times.

They saw me at my weak point and I promised myself that wasn't going to happen again. My friends in class, I don't mind, but the teacher and the rest of the class, now that's a whole different story. Panic attacks are the worst and usually I'm able to control them, to stop them before they even start, but yesterday was not one of those time, for sure. I'm so mad at myself for not being able to overcome my anxiety, it's been too long and by now, I though it would've been gone.

So when she said what she said, God, I just couldn't contain it. I just wanted to punch her in the face with all my strength. Most people are just plain dumb and ignorant . She isn't even aware of how her words can affect someone else without her noticing. I still don't understand how can you joke about eating disorders? It's not right, it's not. And at that moment, all I could do was scream, at her, at everyone, because it's NOT freaking right!!!

"It didn´t work out."


...and with that, I was numb.

I will always love you, to the moon, stars and back

I dreamt of you. 

You finally made up your mind and we finally were together. You didn’t mind if someone was watching; you just kissed me because you wanted to, because you felt like doing so. And I was happy, I was blissful. 

It’s been a while since I felt happy, you know. I’ve been living because I have to, because that’s what people expects from me, because society says so. Something always felt out of place, I always felt out of place, like I didn’t belonged anywhere. That was until I met you. You made me feel like I was important, relevant and worthy. And yes, you said that I shouldn’t feel like that just because of you, but because I am all that and more. But still. 

Now, you have to know something that I haven’t told you, or anyone for that matter, about myself and my “past”. I was always the ugly friend. The one who got to be and experience some things because her friends were pretty, beautiful, attractive; everything I was not. And yet. You changed that perception. You showed me that I could be the first option, the prettier one, the one who is attractive and beautiful.

Maybe you’ll never understand why I chose to end our relationship. Maybe, probably, you resent me right now. I know you want to be with me as much as I want to be with you, but let’s be real, we have two countries between us. There’s also a girl. Yes B, I know about her and it’s fine, it really is. I want you to be happy. I don’t want to be the reason you feel like you’re missing experiences and memories about university. I also know that she is your high school love and we both know how special and strong those loves are, for goodness sake, you are mine. But it’s time, alright. It’s time. 

Please, not for one moment, believe that I don’t love you, because I do. I love you so much that it hurts. And I miss you, as well. There’s not a day in which you aren’t in my mind. You’ll always be my first love, forever and always. Bruno, it was a pleasure and an honor to love you. 

P.S.:

I will always love you, to the moon, stars and back! <3

My Sweet Sky

When the thought of you coming to me is presented, all I can do is smile. I smile because you are all I want. You are all I need. My love, my sweet sky. My moon and my star. I hope that one day, maybe, perhaps, you decide that it’s time to come to me. <3

Like a Feather in the Wind

You make me feel like a feather in the wind.
Like love in the mornings and feelings like the night.
Baby, you're all I need, your love is my fuel.
An your eyes, oh your eyes, are the reason why I'm alive.

Come here with me tonight and let's make it last.
Don't you know that with you by my side,
nothing is impossible.
I want all of you, all day, everyday.

Don't you ever dare to leave my side.
Without you my life would me incomplete,
like a missing puzzling piece.
I love you, can't deny it...
I need you, I'll always do!