How I feel about depression.

I picked a book today. I found it lying on the middle of a busy street. The cars flew by and blurred into different colors. Blue, green, red, white, yellow, green, blue. I stepped into the street, fearless, between the cars, and picked the book.

The cover was blurry. White and black. There was not a title, not an author and not color. I felt this pang inside, like my soul was troubled because something was really wrong. I opened the book and started reading. I understood. I understood why I was so scared. It was my life and it was gray. I had lost every color. They have run away with all my hopes and dreams.

I look around. The cars never stop. I feel trapped. I need air, but I can´t breath. I put away the book into my bag and get of the street. I stay on the sidewalk watching all the colors blur into one.

So now I live in scales of gray.

Prepare yourself for a rant...

When it comes to it, i REFUSE to settle down.

I know it could be so easy and so comfortable to just stop fighting for a better and bigger future and just get married. To settle down and be supported by my husband. But, guess what? I do not want to depend on my husband or my family or anyone for that matter. I want to be independent emotionally, physically and economically. I want to be successful, to make my parents proud and show them that all the hard work they put on me wasn't wasted.

Life is hard. Decisions are hard. Staying on the right path is hard.

Yet, having to make the most difficult decisions will probably lead to the most rewarding experiences. I do believe that. Also, I believe I was put into this world to conquer big things. I want to be a writer. I want to be an editor. I want to travel the world and live in another country for a few years. I want to grow as a person and as a woman. I want to experience all the things the world has to offer me. But, most of all, I want to fight my demons, win that battle and learn who I am without them.

Realizing that I still have a couple of years of university and a few more studying my master or my specialization, terrifies me. Knowing that I want to do those last things outside my country, makes me want to crawl under my sheets and hide from the world. But I can´t do that. Not if I want to have a fulfilling life, to have a better future and give my future family the best things and opportunities that life can offer.

So please, stop asking me when I will get married or have kids. They are not coming anytime soon.

Okay, rant over.

CHAOS doesn't´t surround me

                    I am CHAOS.

Life is wonderful and unexpected, but that´s what makes it so exciting and worth it.

So there is something that´s been bothering me. I should be graduating from university right this moment of my life, yet I still have almost three more years to go. What triggered thoughts surrounding this topic is that one of my closest friends is graduating. From the same career I was supposed to graduate from. At the same time because we started at the same time. My graduation day is very far away. I don´t even have to think of my thesis and graduation project, YET.

It should not bother me, but deep down I have to confess that it does...

I guess that it all comes down to the fact that people who I´m closest with are going aways and starting their adult and responsible lives. While I´m here, still studying for a class I don´t even need but have to pass because it´s part of "a fundamental education in life". It´s weird and hard to see people moving on when I´m stuck trying to get there. What makes it so frustrating is that I already know what I want to do with my life after university. I know I want to go and conquer the editorial world. Just kidding. Or maybe not. But all jokes aside, I want to create books, literally and metaphorically.

Rant over.

Now, don´t get me wrong. I´m so damn proud of the my friends and their accomplishments. I´m so happy for them and for the future they have ahead, whether I´m in it or not. I wish them nothing but great and amazing things. And i know that I will have an amazing future as well, because God knows I´m working my butt off to make them happen.

Life is wonderful and unexpected, but that´s what makes it so exciting and worth it.

"When you can tell your story and it doesn’t make you cry, that’s when you know you’ve healed."

- Unkwown (Via: skinny-love-haunted-scars)

If that´s true...then I´m not healed yet. I can´t even think about it without crying.

Sometimes I feel so hopeless.