My little star:
I want to show you
something I wrote to you.
“He was everything I
wanted. I loved him with all my forces, my strength and more than that. I had
planned a future, a life with him. That´s all I ever wanted; all I ever dreamed
since I met him. I knew it was going to be hard, but I mean in this life what
isn´t?
I always dreamed of
being a dancer, an actress, and singer. I used to perform in front of my
stuffed animals or to my parents on Sundays. And I would think how happy it
made me feel and that perhaps that was what would make me happy when I finally
became a grown up. But it didn´t, and I tried, I really did, for a long time I
would go to auditions, do diets and exercise all day just to be perfect and
achieve my dreams. This was my day, one after the other, until I met you.
Just thinking about
you makes me smile. It has always been like that. When I met you my whole world
change, everything became brighter and for the first time in a long time I felt
truly happy. You supported me in what I believed where my dreams, you pushed me
on days I just wanted to stay in bed and helped me realized that sometimes it
was good to take some time off. My little star, you helped me achieved my first
job as a dancer and for that I would be eternally grateful. It was the best
experience I´ve had until that point in my life. But that day I kept a secret
within me and I never told you. Maybe it was because I was scared or I just
didn´t wanted to jeopardize what we had between us.
Six months into I
remember we had our first fight. It was really intense, you screamed and I
yelled, we both cried, we both laughed. It was about what to eat for dinner.
Later that day, you asked me to move in with you and I said one condition: the
kitchen had to be pink. You laughed but I was serious. Still, you accepted and
we moved in together in this tiny little apartment, with a pink kitchen and two
more rooms. We would spend days filling our walls with photographs and the
rooms with memories and smiles.
Two months later I
knew my dreams had changed. You were my new dream and that´s all I wanted. I
told you and I remember seeing a tear rolling down your cheek. Now I know it
was a happy tear but at the time I thought otherwise. Days after that were
filled with mornings of pancakes and coffee. Of blankets and tickles. Of
happiness and love.
And now I feel like
I´m just wandering the streets looking for something that will never come. I´ve
lost my home. You were my home and I don´t know what to do without you. How do
I go forward if you were my direction? Where do I keep driving if I have no
destination?
My little star, it´s
had been the most amazing five years of my life. I wouldn´t change a single day
and because of that, today I stand here in front of you to tell you the secret
I kept that first time I achieved my dreams. That day I knew that you were and
always be the love of my life. You are the person who changed me, who helped me
became the best version of myself and I just hope that I was the same for you.
My heart will always belong to you.
This is not a
goodbye. I´ll see you later, probably in our pink kitchen, drinking coffee and
eating pancakes. And I promise that once we are reunited I won´t let go of you.
But for now, I have to because that´s what you deserve.”
Always yours,
Your little moon
I never wrote anything about us or him and that´s my
biggest regret. So, this letter is just for him. He was my muse yet he never
knew. So, I fold the letter in three and seal the envelope. I set the yellow
and orange tulips I´ve been carrying all this time nicely on the floor, by the
grave. Then I put the letter on the side and say goodbye to him.
